


How to Save a Life

by fulltimeintrnthomo



Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: Anger, Angst, Depression, Gen, Implied/Referenced Suicide, Non-Linear Narrative, Songfic, blink and you miss it phan, dan is dead this is phil looking back, i couldnt find this anywhere so i decided to write it, inspired by how to save a life, mentions of the v day video, seriously its said like once
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-11-25
Updated: 2017-11-25
Packaged: 2019-02-06 14:30:08
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,058
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12819561
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/fulltimeintrnthomo/pseuds/fulltimeintrnthomo
Summary: Dan was dead. He had killed himself the night before after leaving Phil a very teary voicemail. Why hadn't Phil picked up? Why hadn't he stayed back that year? He noticed Dan felt worse than he usually did, but Phil still decided to leave the country. What had he done?





	How to Save a Life

_Step one, you say we need to talk_

_He walks, you say sit down; it's just a talk_

_He smiles politely back at you_

_You stare politely right on through_

"We need to talk."

"Are you breaking up with me?"

"No. Not that talk." Phil could see the billions of thoughts running through Dan's mind. "I've noticed you've been feeling a bit worse than usual. Have you been taking your medication?"

Dan politely smiled. Phil knew he didn't want to talk about that. He looked Phil in the eyes. "Yeah."

Phil knew he was lying, but decided not to call him out on it. Why didn't he do that? If he had, Dan might still be alive.

_Some sort of window to your right_

_As he goes left and you stay right_

_Between the lines of fear and blame_

_You begin to wonder why you came_

Phil knew Dan blamed himself for every bad thing that happened in their relationship. He knew Dan blamed himself for what happened in 2012. Phil looked around the room and saw a window to their right. He was avoiding looking Dan in the eyes because if he did he might break down. Neither said anything, whether it was out of fear or self-blame, neither knew, but Phil was starting to wonder why he confronted Dan.

_Where did I go wrong? I lost a friend_

_Somewhere along in the bitterness, and_

_I would have stayed up with you all night_

_Had I known how to save a life_

Phil did something wrong. He knew it. He lost Dan because he had done something wrong. He had gone to Florida knowing that Dan was feeling depressed and suicidal. He knew his best friend wasn't at his best, and he still decided to go on holiday.

Dan had called him at 10:00 PM Florida time and Phil was filming a video. If only he had picked up his phone when it started ringing...

_Let him know that you know best_

_‘Cause after all, you do know best_

_Try to slip past his defense_

_Without granting innocence_

Phil tried to show Dan how much he was loved. During Dan's mental breakdown right before he dropped out of university, Phil had talked him out of suicide. He knew that Dan wasn't in the right state of mind, so he offered to play video games with him, which cheered him up a little.

After The Video was unprivated, Phil opened Dan's bedroom door to find him with a bottle of pills in one hand, about to swallow all of them. Phil had talked him out of it then. If he was just there for him that one night, then Dan would probably still be alive.

_Lay down a list of what is wrong_

_The things you've told him all along_

_And pray to God he hears you_

_And pray to God he hears you, and_

"Dan, you're not a failure. You're not better off dead. You're not a freak. You're not ugly. You're not fat. You're not stupid. You're a big success. Not everyone has luck with a YouTube career, but you did. You have talent. You're helping people through your depressingly relatable stories and feelings. You're a perfect human being and I love you so much."

That was what Phil thought of to say to him after his death.

_Where did I go wrong? I lost a friend_

_Somewhere along in the bitterness, and_

_I would have stayed up with you all night_

_Had I known how to save a life_

Phil had lost one of his best friends years before, but if he was being honest, the hurt he felt wasn't comparable to the hurt he felt after Dan died. Dan had reached out to him. He should've picked up. He should've known. Dan never called him. Dan always texted him. If he had just picked up the goddamn phone, he could've talked Dan through it. Just as he always did.

_As he begins to raise his voice_

_You lower yours and grant him one last choice_

_Drive until you lose the road_

_Or break with the ones you've followed_

"Phil! I'm fine! I don't need help because I'm _fine_. You hear me? F-I-N-E!"

Phil lowered his voice. "Dan, you're not fine. I'm gonna give you a choice. You can kill yourself and hurt millions of people doing it including your family and friends, or you can stay alive. Which do you choose?"

"Who fucking cares? Who cares if I kill myself?" Dan shouted.

_He will do one of two things_

_He will admit to everything_

_Or he'll say he's just not the same_

_And you'll begin to wonder why you came_

"Millions of people care."

"No, they don't. They pretend they do, but they really don't. Other YouTubers, people care about them, but I'm just not the same. People don't care about me at all. They retweet my depressing tweets and they don't reply with support messages."

Phil was starting to think about why he was helping Dan. He knew why, it's just that when Dan was in these moods, it was near impossible to get him out of them right away.

_Where did I go wrong? I lost a friend_

_Somewhere along in the bitterness, and_

_I would have stayed up with you all night_

_Had I known how to save a life_

Dan had needed him, and Phil wasn't there. _Phil wasn't there_ and now Dan's dead because of it. Phil sobbed. He left Dan's bedroom intact, even the butt chair. He would sometimes sleep in there just to smell Dan's scent again. Phil had always hated the butt chair, but he didn't anymore. It was a reminder of Dan.

Dan. Who would buy Crunchy Nut for Phil to steal now? ~~(He honestly liked the cereal, but taking it from Dan was half the fun)~~. Who would get annoyed at him for leaving everything open now? Who would he play video games with now? Who would he run the gaming channel with now?

Who would be his best friend now?

_Where did I go wrong? I lost a friend_

_Somewhere along in the bitterness, and_

_I would have stayed up with you all night_

_Had I known how to save a life_

_How to save a life_

_How to save a life_


End file.
